For the past couple days I have been thinking about my journey with God so far. I started out “reformed” and very “puritan”-like. I did not believe in spiritual gifts or “charismatic” doctrine, wore skirts down to my ankles, read books written only by puritans and reformers, and carried a bible everywhere(and I mean EVERYWHERE) I went. It was crazy. But it is what I knew at the time. And it helped me to find my way with God. But underneath of all that religious stuff beat the heart of a young girl who was hungry for Jesus.
I wanted to know everything about Him and I truly loved Him with all my heart and soul. I was innocent, a little confused, and feeling condemned a lot of the time for various reasons.
I became part of a close knit group that was based in Virginia about a year after I was saved. They were not part of an organized church. They joked about being a cult. While I would not classify them as such, they came pretty close. For the first couple years I was so hungry for a stable family environment that I just sunk my spiritual baby teeth into anything they gave me and followed all the “rules” the best I could. But again, under it all, I was searching for Jesus, trying to find Him among all the religious stuff. I did not know this was a rather legalistic way to be. I just knew I wanted Jesus and as much of Him as I could get.
But as time went on I figured out there was a lot of pastor worship going on there. The pastor could do no wrong and to say he could was “blasphemy.” I began to see the problems with this group. But I hung in there based upon my desperate need for family and my hunger for more of Jesus was being satisfied to some degree. But as God gave me more understanding of who Jesus is I began to feel very uncomfortable being part of that group. But they were my surrogate family and I loved them as such. I felt God prompting me to leave but it was so hard to let go.
Then I was kicked out when God decided to baptize me in the Holy Spirit and I subsequently began to develop those same spiritual gifts I did not believe in at that time (Don’t ever tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor) 
because the Pastor did not believe in charismatic doctrine so of COURSE, neither did anyone else. So I was abruptly told to leave and subsequently crushed emotionally as I found myself painfully going through a tremendous loss at a young christian age of just 4 years. But God knew better. I had gotten all I could from this group and it was time to move on.
Oh, how far I’ve come.
Fast forwarding to now, about 14 years later. I don’t wear long skirts. In fact at this point I do not wear skirts at all, much to the chagrin of my older sis. I go to a charismatic church that loves Jesus with all of their collective heart. I still love the puritans and reformers but keep their writings in balance with the other aspects of the christian life because they can be a bit heavy on the “religious stuff.”
And I have learned a few things about myself and God and our relationship along the way.
He loves me more than I’ll ever love Him.
The clothes you wear do not make you any more or less holy. Neither does carrying a bible everywhere.
You can embrace reformed and charismatic doctrines and be perfectly at peace with both.
He has forgiven and will continue to forgive me as I stumble my way through life.
Because of His Son’s cross, my debt is paid in FULL.
I can be “normal”
I can be happy.
I am not condemned, not EVER.
Because of Jesus, I am ENOUGH.
If someone had come to me some 14 years ago and told me this is who I would be now, I would have thought they were crazy. But now I know.
God knows better than me.
And I am so very GLAD He does.
richelleygirl
